Cry Baby June 30, 2007

Is it just me or do all new (ish) mums hear babies crying all  the time?

Last night the Young Man woke at about 2.30 - talking away  to himself with  the odd cry thrown in for good measure.  After our successful bootcamp mission I knew he was fine and didn’t need feeding.  I got up and quickly checked to make sure his blankets were still on (that is his newest game- and its really a game too as when I go  to tuck him in he laughs and tries to kick them off again).  He was still all snuggled up so I went back to bed.  Because I knew he was fine I decided that I would put my ear plugs in.  They block out enough sound that if he is just having a chat I can go back to sleep but if he is REALLY crying I can hear him.     

So in went the ear plugs and I snuggled back down.  As I shut my eyes  and tried to go back to sleep I thought I could hear him crying so I took one ear plug out and listened…..  it was silent – the Young Man had gone to sleep.  So in went the ear plugs. But every time I was about to drift off I would ‘hear’ the Young Man  crying…  so I would take out my ear plugs and all I would hear was silence.     After about an hour of this I had come to the conclusion that I was imagining  the crying ( maybe I was worried I wouldn’t really hear him crying with them in so I was  ‘hearing’ the noise in my head??) and he was really asleep which meant I could go to sleep- which I did eventually.

I’d love to know if other Mums have this problem or I am just going crazy and beginning to hear ‘voices’!!?

Winter Malady June 28, 2007

Since we brought our own home I have become a bit of a gardening fanatic.    One of the first things I got Adman to do when we moved in was to put in some vege garden plots.    We have also made three huge gardens ( I wouldn’t call then flower gardens because I don’t really do flowers so they have lots of shrubs etc).  When I was a kid we had a huge vege garden – the length of our house.  My dad took great pride in being able to say that all the veges on our dinner plate had come from our own garden.  One of my most  loved memories is my dad placing the tomatoes on our window sill  in the kitchen to ripen and then  each morning picking one that was perfectly ripe to slice and have on toast with a little salt and pepper. Anyway… every spring I work really hard and plant lettuces, tomatoes, spinach, peas, beans, capsicums, cucumbers, potatoes etc etc  .  All summer I toil away and weed and fertilize and water to make sure I have a bumper crop of veges. This summer I had so many tomatoes that I wouldn’t let anyone leave without taking a big bag home with them.

 

Every autumn I plan what winter veges I am going to plant.  I plant them and then….I just leave them.  I know that with the same love and attention I give my summer crops by broccoli and cabbages would flourish but for some reason the whole idea of gardening in winter just depresses me. 

In fact doing anything in winter depresses me.  I think I must be one of those people who are meant to hibernate in winter.  The thought of doing anything is not at all appealing.  In the last two weeks I haven’t done ANY housework -aside from doing washing which is kind of essential when you have a 4 1/2 month old in the house.  I haven’t vacuumed, I haven’t dusted, I haven’t changed my sheets.  Even just thinking about  grocery shopping has made me want to curl up  and sleep through until September. 

I had given myself until September to lose the last pregnancy kilos – but the last month or so has seen that number increase to 9 kilos.  I think that it may be due to my sudden addiction to white chocolate – Mmmm Milky bar.

This morning when the Young man was asleep I forced myself to go out to the vege garden to do some weeding.  I stood there for several minutes contemplating where to start ( it needs a really good weed – I couldn’t even see where I had planted my spring onions because they were camouflaged by the weeds),- and then – I bent down and pulled a total  of three weeds out before I gave up and went back inside to where it was nice and warm.

I guess this winter my garden will be a experiement of survival of the fittest.  If any of my plants don’t get eaten by snails or strangled by weeds then I know that they deserve to make a regular appearance in my winter garden. 

Making Plans June 25, 2007

Today seems like the first real day of winter.  It is sunny but very cold.  A lot of main roads further down the Island are closed due to snow and the wind has  an icy chill to it.  The temperature at the moment is a warm 10 degrees (Celsius)  but because the sun is shining its bearable.

The Adman and I have lived in Auckland for almost three years now.  We enjoy it- mostly.  We both have good jobs and we love our home.  But since the Young Man has been born the call to head back to our home town has been getting stronger and stronger.    We both grew up in a  town that is near the ocean, rivers, lakes and  bush.  It has a population of about 45,000 people with a large farming community. 

Since the Young man was born I have realised how nice it is to have family nearby.  Some-days I feel like I have no support (apart from the Adman) – no one to ring up and say “hey I am really tired can you come and watch the Young Man while I have a sleep.”  I know one thing for sure I definitely don’t want to have any more children while we live in Auckland ( not that that will be happening any time soon)

So because of this and also our desire to get out of the city and live a life that we want  we have made the decision to move back home.      The life we want to live is one on a small piece of land where we can build our own home and our children can have space to play.  Even a few sheep or cattle would be ncie. The Adman also has this desire to have chickens but I am not too keen on that what with my fear or birds!

The annoying thing is that now we have made the decision we have to wait for things to fall into place before it can happen.  The most important thing is that the Adman needs to get a job down there.  The Ambulance service there is quite small and jobs don’t come up too often - however they are restructuring at the moment so it may mean that a job will be advertised soon.  But we don’t know if it will be for his qualification or not.    In terms of work for me I am 80% sure that I will be able to transfer down there – but if that’s not the case I am not too worried as there is lots of work and I could always go back to teaching if need be.

Once a job for Adman is secured things should start speeding up.  Hopefully we will be able to sell our house for a decent price.  If we come out the house sale with $75k or more we should be able to buy the type of land we want and build our dream home.

 The plan is that we will move down and live with my Mum while we look for some land and build the house.  I already know what type of home we will build and have started a notebook where I write down all my ideas  about how things will be etc.   Adman keeps telling me to slow down and stop thinking in advance so much as it may not happen for another year or so.  But I am so excited about it all and I know it will all come together eventually that I just can’t help myself.  I guess I believe that if I put it out there it will happen. 

So fingers and toes crossed that things all come to fruition and the stars align properly ( or whatever they are meant to do) and the cogs will begin to move to set our plans into action soon.

Why?…. June 19, 2007

When I was a teenager my group of friends were one of the few groups at school that were both boys and girls.  We all hung out and had fun- it was purely platonic – for the whole time at high-school not one of us went out with another.  One of the guys in particular I was really close to  – He was there for me when my Dad died – in fact he was the person I (prophetically) told the night before that I didn’t want my Dad to die ( My father died suddenly so I always find it a bit weird that I voiced such a thought so close to him dying). 

G was there for me for a lot of tough times but we also had lots of fun as well.  His older brother M was one of those guys who you just lusted after.  He was a bit of a bogan but he was gorgeous with long straight black hair and a cheeky grin.  M and G got on really well and often M would drive us places or even occasionally buy us alcohol.  We all knew that M was having some problems and was a ‘bit’ depressed sometimes- but it didn’t really seem a big deal back then.

 When we finished highschool G left our small town  and eventually moved to the UK.  I have seen him once in those 10 years and it was like we had only seen each  other the week before. 

On Monday I got an email from G to say that he was coming home as his brother had passed away.  In fact his brother has committed suicide. 

It seems that life had got too much for M.  For whatever reason he thought ending his life would be better than dealing with the depression demons.  I have such mixed feelings about this. I can understand how depression can rob you of your sense of clarity and how it can make you feel trapped yet on the other hand how could you make a decision that would mean that you wouldn’t be able to see your children grow up?

New Zealand has one of the highest suicide rates in the OECD and it scares me.  Why are so many people taking such a selfish way out?  How can they see no other way to deal with their issues? 

In NZ there is  much debate over whether or not suicide should be talked about.    One school of thought is that through talking about it – it actually demystifies it and takes away the sense of ‘escapism’  yet on the other hand others believe that talking about only encourages those that are close to the edge to think about it as a serious option.  My belief is that it does need to be talked about.  If people can understand the hurt suicide causes to those left behind maybe they will begin to see that it isn’t the best solution.  And maybe if we talk about it people will be more likely to  actually stand up and say that they have been having suicidal thoughts and they need help. 

The funeral is this Friday and I just can’t imagine how G and the rest of his family are going to get through it.  How do you celebrate a life that was ended so tragically? 

Baby Boot Camp June 18, 2007

After much discussion ( raised voices and all) Adman and I decided that we needed to do something about the Young Man’s newly developed night time sleep patterns.  He had gone from sleeping for 8-10 hours straight to waking every 2-3 hours. Not good especially since I have gone back to work.  Of course a lot of it was my fault as I would feed him when he would wake ( even though I knew he wasn’t hungry) and he would fall asleep on the boob and then I would put him back to bed.  This meant that if the Adman tried to settle him he just wouldn’t go to sleep.

So we put in an emergency phone call to my Mum and asked her to implement boot camp.   She agreed on the condition that I didn’t interfere and that I would go to bed and stay in bed until 5am when we decided that the Young Man could be feed again.

On the first night my Mum arrived with ear plugs  and sent me to bed with them as soon as I had put to the Young Man to bed at 7.  I woke at 3am needing to pee and when I got up it was quiet – no crying baby.  My Mum woke me at 4.45 to feed the Young Man and he went back to sleep  until6.30.  When I asked her how the night had been she said that he had woken at 11.30 and had gone through all 16 pages of his ’staying awake by crying manual’ and had finally fallen back to sleep at 2.30.

When I heard that I couldn’t believe that my Mum had left him crying for  almost 3 hours.  She reassured me that he hadn’t been crying all that time but it didn’t make me feel any less guilty.  My baby had been crying for three hours and I hadn’t even heard him.

 What I did feel good about was this morning when I woke at 5 to feed the Young Man and I realised he had been asleep since 7am – thats 10 hours Woohoo!!! 

Deep down I knew that the Young Man wasn’t  hungry and that his waking was becoming a bad habit but I just didn’t have the emotional distance to be able to deal with it rationally in the middle of the night.  When he would cry I would go running and feed him because I knew it would calm him down and then we could all be happy.

Apart from his sleep he is just doing wonderfully.  He rolled over for the first time on Friday and I even managed to capture it on video camera ( he hasn’t done it since) and his new trick is to try and ’sit’ up  from lying down.  I can’t believe how strong he is getting.  He is such a wiggly worm now that  you have to really hold onto him when carrying him.

I tell the Young Man when he is kicking off that he is lucky he is cute.  But really even just the smallest smile makes you forget about their grumpiness and bad sleeping!

Man of the Year – 10 reasons why June 12, 2007

I have been thinking alot lately about how wonderful my husband is. He actually read my blog a week or so ago and said that I make him sound like a b*stard.  Which of course is not my intention at all.  My husband has the patience of a saint and I am so lucky that he puts up with me.

Ten years ago I was in my last year of high-school and was having lots of fun.  I went to a party at my friends house and some of her boyfriends friends were there as well.  I had met most of them before apart from one guy – the Adman.  That night I hardly talked to him but I did catch him looking at me every so often.  The next morning we all piled into cars to head to McDees for breakfast.  Somehow I ended up in the front seat of his car.  On and on he talked about his car and what he had done to it and how fast it was – Ithought what a w*nker he is so obsessed with his car.    

But then the following Thursday he rang me at home and asked me out for dinner ( in NZ you don’t really date – you go from hanging out in a group to ’going out’  usually without really testing the waters so this was a bit strange!!)  I agreed to go -more for interest sake than anything.  After our dinner date ( which turned out to be a disaster - but thats another story),  he sent me flowers and wrote me a poem – I guess you could say that he was wooing me. 

Slowly he began to grow on me and I began to realise what a great guy he was and despite me not wanting a boyfriend  -especially one who loved fast cars, had heaps of emotional baggage and thought boxing was a good sport - he became my boyfriend and we haven’t really looked back since then.

In the ten years since I met Adman he has gone from being a mechanic who thought he was dumb to being a paramedic who knows he is intelligent and confident in it.  He is so lucky because he is not only very good at his job  but he loves it.

Adman is the communicator in our relationship. I find it so hard to not only work out what is bothering me but to also open up and express my feelings in a rational and calm way. Usually I just bottle it up and eventually it explodes and I end up yelling at Adman  for some stupid reason that actually has nothing to do with why I am really upset.  Yet still he loves me.

So  I thought it would be a good idea to actually remind myself of how wonderful he is.  My aim is for the rest of June to do something extra nice for him each day.  Yesterday it was a foot massage and today it will be  ironing his work shirts (usually he does it and he hates doing it).  But also as a reminder about why I love him here are 10 reasons why…

1. He does most of the housework – I hate it.
2. Family is the most important thing in his life
3. He lets me drive his (dream) car because it is safer
4. He has the cutest smile
5. He is really involved in bringing up the Young Man
6. He puts up with my emotional roller-coaster
7. He loves my Grandma as much as I do
8. He makes a mean spaghetti Bolognaise
9. His idea of a relaxing day is spending it with us
10. HE LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY

A few things…. June 7, 2007

One of my favourite bloggers Karla ( will find out how to link later have no time as baby is about to wake!!)  did this meme and I thought I would do it too cause I am such a copy cat!!  In fact reading Carla’s comments I could almost just leave it as is.

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Ten years ago I was 17  and was in my last year of high school.  I meet the Adman at the end of June in 1997 so  it was a pretty momentous month

What were you doing 1 year ago?
We had just found out I was pregnant and  we were still basking in the exciting-ness of it all – before the morning sickness kicked in.

Five Snacks You Enjoy:
- Chocolate -pref cadbury’s

- Salt and vinegar flavoured chips

- chocolate milk

- kahlua and coke

- oranges

Five Things You Would Do If You Were a Millionaire:
- Pay off the mortgage and do a world trip – a million bucks isn’t really that much!

Five bad habits:
- Squeezing my pimples – I just can’t help myself
- Never putting my clothes in my drawers
- I always make the bed just before I get in at night  rather than in the morning

-Biting my little finger nails – I stopped biting the rest of my finger nails years ago but I just can’t let go of the little ones.

-yelling at my husband for no good reason

Five Things You Like To Do:
- Sleep
-cook
- Eat
- read

-relax

Five Things You Would Never Wear Again:
- Bikini bottoms  – for the obvious reasons , flabby tummy, stretch marks etc etc

- Low rise jeans – for the above reasons as well.

-Suede shoes – too much maintenance and having to avoid bad weather
-Pink - I was obsessed with Pink when I was a child and I think I have worn my quota for life

- G- strings – I go for comfort now!

Five Favorite Toys
- Notebook Computer.
- Digital camera
- New video camera ( although now I guess they are called DVD cameras
- My vege garden ( if you can call it a toy!)

Sleep is over-rated June 6, 2007

So it seems the Young Man thinks he doesn’t need to have sleeps during the day.  Since he was about 4 weeks old we have been able to wrap him up – give him a quick snuggle and then put him down and he would usually drift off to sleep by himself.  But in the last couple of weeks he has got so very nosey and is worried that he might miss out on something if he goes to sleep during the day.   It had got so bad that if he wasn’t in my arms or his pushchair he wouldn’t go to sleep. After much discussion the Adman and I decided that we would try the whole controlled crying thing to try and get him to go off to sleep by himself in his own bed. 

Yesterday was the first day and after one hour of crying and  and me going in intermittedly he finally went to sleep – but get this – he only slept for 10 minutes! I KNOW!!!  I couldn’t believe it.  Of course this lead me to think that I was a terrible mother and there was something drastically wrong with how I was mothering him and he would never sleep again.  Tears were forthcoming.  I had to go out yesterday morning so he had a sleep in the car while we were driving – and then – yesterday afternoon I put him down for a sleep  and he went straight to sleep.  I think its all so I stay on my toes.  This morning he wouldn’t sleep for his caregiver and she resorted to pushing him in his pushchair until he dozed off, but at least he slept for an hour. 

I put him down 20 minutes ago and he has been crying that whole time.  It breaks my heart hearing his little cries.  Its all I can do to not go into his room before it has been five minutes.  The worst part is I know that most of it is an act as when I go in to settle him he stops crying straight away and gives me a big grin.

okay it has now been 40 minutes since I first put him down. I caved and feed him as he was indicating to me that he still hungry and that seemed to satisfy him a bit more.  But it still took a bit of work to re settle him .  He cried a wee bit more and its quiet now but I am too frightened that hes wide awake to go and check that he is actually asleep!!

I guess this is what you call baby routine bootcamp – for both Mum and baby

Returning to the real world June 4, 2007

Today  was my first morning back at work.  I hadn’t really allowed myself to think about how I would feel and  act.  I was determined not to cry when I dropped the Young Man off  – although I did burst into tears when I dropped my brief case on my foot getting out of the car (a delayed reaction me thinks!!)

I am really lucky in that we have a family friend who offered to look after the Young man while I was at work.  She lives about five minutes up the road and has three children of her own - the youngest has just started school.  I know that he will be fine with her and have lots of fun but it didn’t make it any easier dropping him off.

I know the whole working mums thing generates a lot  of debate and I have always been someone who thought that if the Mum wanted to go back to work they should.  When it comes down to it we didn’t really have a choice about me going back to work as in NZ you only get  paid $3oo a week  maternity leave for 3 months – and we literally couldn’t survive any longer than that without my salary. Damn those mortgages.

Although - I really don’t know if I would choose to be a full time stay at  home mum if we had the financial means for it.  The hardest thing I have found about the last four months is the lack of adult conversation and having my brain think about something else apart from if its nap time or does his nappy need changing.  As much as I love the Young Man I enjoy my job and the satisfaction I get when I see a project through from start to finish.

I am very lucky that I have a boss who has allowed me to be flexible with my working hours.  This means that I am only in the office  four hours a day, three mornings a week and the rest of the time ( another 14 hrs a week) I can work from home.  I think if I was having to go straight back to work full time and I wasn’t able to work from home at all I would feel differently.

The main thing I have felt anxious about my return to work has been the fact that the Young Man has stopped taking a bottle.  But as my Mum noted I am only away from him for four hours so he will be able to survive without a feed – and he did of course!! 

We have also just started him on solids as he had been waking up more during the night than usual and we wondered if solids would fill him up a bit more – and hopefully get him actually sleeping through the night.  Its been a real experience trying to feed him but he seems to really enjoy it and hopefully it will begin to make a difference to his night time sleeping.

I am so looking forward to the time when he sleeps through.  I think our household will be all the happier for that