Wood June 6, 2008

Life has escaped away on me lately.  I seem to be hanging on by a thread.  Not that there is anything majorly wrong or anything that I am unable to cope with but I just feel like if I don’t watch it – it could all just slip away.

Although in some ways our house/building is coming along nicely there has also been some dramas.  The previous owner is trying to take us to the small claims court because of some native timber on the site.  When we purchased the property we asked if the  timber would be removed  prior to settling.  We were told that the owner didn’t want it and didn’t have time to clear the timber or any of the other rubbish on the site.   Adman and I spoke to a friend who made flooring out of native timber and he recommended that we could use it for  flooring.  A week after we settled I had a phone call from another friend to say that someone was out at the land milling  the wood.   It turned out that it was the previous owner who had decided that he wanted the wood and he was milling it. The long and short of it is that we ended up having to trespass him and he has now decided that he will take us to court to get the wood -even though his lawyer who dealt with the property settlement has told him (and us) that he has no legal right to the wood.

Its frustrtaing and  is taking up alot of time and effort – something I don’t seem to have much of at the moment.

I feel like I need to take some time out and make sure I ( and we) are happy with how  our life is going but I also feel like we shouldn’t bother as in a few months things will be turned upside down when we shift into our new house.  But until then I guess we just have to keep on keeping on.

family March 12, 2008

Something I haven’t written about much is my family.  I actually have an older brother who lives in the same town as we do now.   When we were kids we were as good as friends as a brother and sister can be.  Sure there were times when he would try and suffocate me with a pillow and there were times when I would hit him over the head with my cabbage patch kid – but mostly we got on well.

When my Dad died it was hard on us all but I think my brother didn’t really deal with it.  About two months after dad died my brother (who was 18 at the time) moved out and slowly distanced himself from us.  Since that time  he hasn’t had anything to do with us.  Its been hard and has broken my Mums heart but its something that I have dealt with. 

Since we moved back home had I hoped that perhaps we could have enough of a relationship that at least our kids could get to know each other.  Today was his daughters 5th birthday  so the Adman and I went out with the Young man to drop of her present.  I was nervous as we headed out there as I wasn’t sure what the reception would be and if my brother would even let us inside ( its that bad - in fact once he literally through my Mum out of his house when she went to drop off his 21st present).  When we arrived my brother wasn’t there and his wife was on the phone so I just went inside with the Young man and started talking to my Niece about her first day at school and helped her open her present ( also this was only the second time I had ever met her so she didn’t really have any idea who I was so I tried to explain that I was her aunt).  Once my brothers wife got off the phone she didn’t even look at me.  So after a few more minutes I told my Niece that we were going and told her to say hi to her dad. 

As we left my brothers wife came out and asked us not to come back.  I asked her why  and tried to say that I thought it would be nice for the Young man and their daughter to know each other.  She started going on about how I don’t know what has happened and I just have to leave them alone.  This got me really mad as she didn’t know my brother when my dad died and she definitely doesn’t know what happened during that time.  Sure she might  know what my brother has told her  – but its far from the true story because the true story is that nothing happened apart from the fact that our father died and he didn’t deal with it.

Luckily the Adman just bundled us into the car and drove us away.  I was so mad and so upset.   How could someone deny their child love – a relationship with their cousin and Aunt?

As Adman said they have poisoned themselves to believe their version of truth and there isn’t anything we can do about it.  I want to write more about this but I am still so upset about it.

I guess I just have to come to terms with the fact that there will be no type of contact with my brother and his family  ever – well unless he needs a kidney of course – maybe then he would contact us.

Bitterness is such as horrible thing to live with and I hate to think how his life must be having to deal with it everyday. 

Maybe one day my niece will be old enough to start asking questions and being able to make her own decisions.  Until then we will keep on loving her – she just won’t know about it.

M.I.L January 15, 2008

Over the last three days my Mother in Law has been staying with us.  She left today and we have all breathed a sigh of relief.  Its not that there was anything  in particular that cause the visit to be so stressful – its just that her behaviour is so over the top and false that you just can’t relax.

When the Adman was 10 years old his mother left his father  and himself and his sister.   She went and lived with family friend who she later married.   After she left she had nothing to do with Adman and his sister for 2-3 years.  In fact she told Adman’s father  that if he paid her $100,000 she would  let him  have full custody.

Since then Adman’s relationship with his mother has been stressed to say the least.  When ever Adman tries to talk to her about how her leaving affected him she will shut him down by saying ‘that was in the past and we should all just move on’. 

If only it was that easy.

Since I have known Adman I have struggled with his Mum.  I know that he loves her and as she is the only parent Adman now has he really doesn’t have much choice.  However as he says – he may love her but he doesn’t really like her.  Everything his mother does is only for her benefit.   I guess because I am one more step removed from her I am less inclined to forgive her behaviour (for example she almost didn’t come to our wedding because she was sulking as we told her she couldn’t invite 8 of her friends who we didn’t even know ( she was already inviting 12 other people!!). 

Last year when the Young Man was born she made a big deal about coming over to see him  (she lives in Australia) – she came to NZ for one month and spent 2 days with us – along with another couple who were travelling with them – just what I needed with a 3 week old baby.

This year she has come over for Adman’s 30th birthday.   Although when I say that -she is actually only spending a few days with us and then travelling to the South Island to see friends for 3 weeks.

This conflicts me as on one hand I am relieved that she only stays for a short time as I know that there is no way I could  handle her staying for much longer but on the other hand it would be nice for both Adman and the Young Man if she spent a longer period of time with us. 

 When I hear other women talking about their mother in laws with love I feel sad.  I would love to have a relationship with my M.I.L which was one of support and friendship – instead I have one the is all about her and what she wants.   I would love to have a M.I.L who would  provide support and understanding to her son rather than be someone who discusses her marital problems with him and gets angry when  he tells her that its not his place to comment. Instead I am stuck with a self centred  M.I.L who  thinks that everything she does is the right thing.

This is one post that doesn’t have a happy ending – She has been this way as long as Adman can remember and I don’t see any reason why she would change.  I guess that adage that you can pick your friends but not your family rings true in this case.

And the winner is…. January 13, 2008

When the Young Man was born I was determined not to be one of those mothers who was not only constantly talking about their baby but was also constantly comparing their baby to others ( and of course stating that their baby was the bestest!!).  I balked at the idea of joining a coffee group for the reason that I didn’t want to sit around with a bunch of other mums talking about what each baby could do and making snide judgements on the ability of the other babies.  When I did join a group – it was a Mother’s walking group who would have coffee afterwards – I thought I would be safe as the babies were all of different ages so surely no comparison would happen.  But it did.  So often the Mothers would make slight comments about their babies abilities at the same stage as the Young Man or would comment on the fact that  they didn’t feed their child that until he was much older. 

As much as I didn’t want to I felt I had to brag about the Young Mans abilities because I felt like we were being put down.    I didn’t stay in the walking group for long because I hated how I would feel afterwards.  A combination of worry that my baby wasn’t doing what the other babies were and also a slight jealously as their babies seemed so perfect and were doing everything right (which I later learnt was not true – it took me a while to learn that most mums lie through their teeth  about how long their baby sleeps for etc when they are with other mums).  I hated that it seemed to be competition where every baby was judged on its abilities and whether or not is was sleeping through the night.

On the rare occasion that the Adman and I go out I find that I inevitably end up talking about the  Young Man.  I try hard not to but when someone asks how he is doing it just all seems to flow out.  Of course  I know its because I love him and I think he is the bees knees that I just want everyone else to know that .  But I am sure that no-one really wants to hear   a ten minute presentation on all the cute things the Young Man can do. 

And the competitiveness still continues.  Last night we were at a BBQ  and I was asked by an older woman how the Young Man was going with his eating etc.  When I told her that he is a great eater and loves feeding himself  -she asked if he was using a fork yet as her son was competently using a fork by 12 months.  Of course my heckles raised and I  duly pointed out that the Young Man was only just 11 months old.  

Why should I care what her now 21 year son did when he was 12 months old?  Why should I feel like  I hadn’t been training the Young Man well enough if he hadn’t mastered cutlery by now?  Of course deep down I know that they can all go to buggery and the Young man is doing perfectly well.  But it is still hard to remember that when you are in the heat of a ‘my baby can…’ conversation.  

Maybe with your second child you feel less competitive  and conversations with other mums begin to be a bit nicer?  Who knows but for now  as much as I may resist it I am sure I will still be involved in conversations where every mother is trying to prove their off spring is the winner of the (imaginary) competition. 

Old November 14, 2007

 When the Adman and I met a little over ten years ago I was a 17 year old – I was a size 10 and had nice perky breasts.  Adman was 19 and was in pretty good nick as well.  Ten years later we only now seem to have made the realisation that we are getting old.  The other night Adman was on  the computer as I was making the bed (I am so lazy that I don’t make our bed when we get up - I make it just before we go to bed!).  I suddenly looked over at the Adman and realised that he was a 30 year old man with a bit of a belly - not the 19 year old boy who had great arm muscles from lifting car engine parts.  Adman saw me looking at him strangely and asked what was up. I stupidly didn’t think before I opened my gob and said ” I’ve just realised that you have got old”.  The look on his face was one of shock and horror – he was quiet for  half a minute or so until he said  “Yeah well you have crows feet”.

The thing is I had to agree with him.  I am getting old.  I haven’t been ID’d for alcohol for at least 2 years now and when I look in the mirror I don’t see a young face but a face that is tired and needs a bit of TLC.  Inside I still feel like the 17 year old I was when I met the Adman but on the outside I am practically unrecognisable from that person.   My boobs are bigger ( infact one is alot bigger than the other one but that’s a whole separate post), I have stretch marks all over my tummy,  I am getting flabby arms, I am at least 2 sizes bigger (on a good day) and my face has permanent wrinkles.  To make matters worse I found – what I consider the number sign of old age creeping in.

The other night while watching meaningless crap on TV and trying to avoid the fact that there was a kitchen full of dishes to do I was unconsciously rubbing my chin when I felt it.  I  couldn’t be sure it was what I thought it was so I rushed into the bathroom  and looked in the mirror.  Yup it was a hair – on- my – chin.  I was either turning into a witch or I was getting old.  Since I didn’t have any other signs and symptoms of witchiness (i.e.  wart on my nose)  I knew that I was getting old.  Old smelly ladies have hairs on their chins not young Mum’s like me.  Luckily I knew the remedy and quickly plucked it and flushed it down the drain in an action so swift that I was almost able to convince myself that I had imagined it.

But in the plain old light of day I know its true – I am getting old and and my body is no longer what it once was.  But the good thing is that the Adman is getting old as well and I know for a fact that he loves the current me far more than he loved the 17 year old version.  I guess as we get old our love gets older – and wiser too – thank goodness!

I just can’t…. November 2, 2007

The Young Man has begun that vicious time that most people call teething – I like to call it  ” the hell of the teeth cometh”.

True to form the Young Man went against the grain  and got his two top teeth first.  These didn’t really seem to be much of a problem – I think he woke up once a night for 3 nights and I was able to just snuggle him down and he went back to sleep.  I should have known I was tempting fate when I gold my girlfriends that his teeth just didn’t really seem to be bothering him. 

The bottom teeth are a different story.  Every night this week he has woken at least 2 times and has been awake for about 2 -3 hours at a time (this is extremely unusual for the boy as he has basically slept through the night since he was four months old).  Nothing I do seems to calm him – I dose him with pamol, rock him, sing to him (and between you and me – occasionally resort to the good ol’ boobage) but he just doesn’t settle.  So I end up lying in the single bed in his room holding him close,  doing the butt tap and shushing while he screams in my ear.  Finally after a good hour or so he settles enough that I can put him back in his cot – now this is the hard part as if I move his body out of the position he is in he will wake so I slowly lower him down inch by inch.  If  I am lucky he will stay settled – if not the whole process begins again.

Last night was the worst night – he went to bed at 6.30 as usual but cried for a full hour before finally falling asleep all scrunched up at the wrong end of his cot.   Of course I tried to have an early night but I didn’t get to sleep until about 10ish and true to Murphy’s law he woke at 10.30 and was up for an hour,  then again at 1.30 for another 2 hours.  When the Young Man woke at 5am I asked the Adman if he could go and settle him as I was uber tired. 

This was his response  ” I just can’t”  and then he tried to roll over and go back to sleep.  I say tried  as I swiftly kicked him and told him in no uncertain terms that he has better get out of bed and see to the boy.  When he came back 15 minutes later (with the Young Man still crying) he told me that he just couldn’t do it and he had to get up and go to work in 2 hours so he wanted to go back to sleep.   I WAS NOT IMPRESSED.    I finally managed to settle the Young Man again but he was woken at 7 by Adman crashing and banging he way out the door to work.

Men just don’t get it do they. 

All I can hope is that these dreaded teeth come through and we can all go back to a sense of normality – well until the next lot of teeth decide to journey up from the depths.

Rut = Rant August 4, 2007

Last night after the Young Man went to bed I sat in the lounge and thought about where I was at in my life.  Its almost six months six the Young Man was born and I just feel like personally I am sitting in a rut.

I guess a lot of the feeling stems from the fact that we are waiting to hear about the jobs we have applied for and if we will be moving or not.   And because we are waiting for that possible major change I keep putting other things off that I should be doing.

In April I had 8 kilos left to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight.  I now have ten.  Instead of taking the Young Man for a walk I bake biscuits and eat most of them by myself.  When I get dressed to go to work I get depressed because my suit pants don’t fit me.  But instead of making sure I have a healthy lunch I skip lunch and then eat a chocolate bar at 3pm instead.  I know that I am not looking after my body – I am having breakout after breakout of pimples, I am constantly tired and  a major bee-arch 90% of the time.  Every single thing the Adman says to me I take as a slight and roar back at him.  I am not sleeping – as soon as I go to bed my mind starts rolling and I can’t stop it.

I keep telling myself that I can’t find the time to exercise – the Adman works long hours so I don’t get a chance to head off to the gym by myself or go for a swim.  In my head I just tell myself that I will be able to do it when we move home as there will be more support and the Adman will be doing a job where he can help out more.  But I shouldn’t be putting it off. 

I know just doing a bit of exercise every day will help me out of this funk.

Last week I got my period for the first time and that was a real shock.  I have endomentriosis and traditionally my periods are crippling – but when I was on the pill they were bearbale with some panadol and would be fairly light and last for 3-4 days.  Last week my period was so heavy that I was scared to leave the house and the pain was just horrible.  I am considering going back on the pill to try and control it (added bonus of course would mean no condoms!!)  but I don’t know if I want to - as I know the contraceptive pill can mess up breast feeding and I am so not ready to stop breast feeding the Young Man just yet.  Its one of the few things that I feel positive about and I feel sucessful at doing.

I am sick of us not having any money – and having to juggle funds around just to pay the bills.  Usually our finances are one of the things that I can keep control of but now I feel like its heading out of control as well.

I am really sick of work and feel like I am getting no support from my new team leader.  I know I am doing great work but I feel like none of my palns are going to see the light of day becuase of  the lack of foresight my manager has. 

I know that I desparately need a change in my life to get my enthusiasium up again but I just don’t have the effort to work out what that change will be.

If I had to rate how I felt about my life at the moment I would have to say its a 3 out of ten.   And that sucks- in fact I feel guilty for admitting that.  Shouldn’t I be the happiest I have ever been?  I have this gorgeous baby who is doing so many amazing things and just growing so much everyday -yet I get frustrated when he doesn’t want to have a final breastfeed when he goes to bed.  I take it as a slight on me rather than the fact that he is full and doesn’t actually need anymore.

What can I do to change all these things?  Baby steps I guess.   The first step is going to have to be about exercising and better eating.  I know  that a healthy body will help to create a healthy mind.

So I guess even though its raining  I just have to suit up and put the Young Man ’s rain cover on his stroller and head out for 30 minutes or so.  Ha -even as I write this I am telling myself that I should just wait until tomorrow because it might not be raining.  BUT NO I AM GOING TO DO IT, Yeah really I am…. honestly.